Portrait of an Aimless Left Lane Driver
“When you’re in your lane, there’s no traffic.”
— Ava DuVernay
Few are aware of this fact but there are travel gods that rule the open road. They are of the Old Testament variety, the smiting kind, the ones that dispense judgment and wrath amply and often. We travelers were once relatively well behaved and the gods intervened little. It is different now. The gods are displeased. How do I know? Well, sometimes, a driver has an opportunity to commune with them in the course of a journey. I had one such experience.
“When you’re in your lane, there’s no traffic.”
Few are aware of this fact but there are travel gods that rule the open road. They are of the Old Testament variety, the smiting kind, the ones that dispense judgment and wrath amply and often. We travelers were once relatively well behaved and the gods intervened little. It is different now. The gods are displeased. How do I know? Well, sometimes, a driver has an opportunity to commune with them in the course of a journey. I had one such experience.
I was driving back to Columbus from Cleveland, after having enjoyed a relaxing weekend. The sky was a vibrant cobalt and the sun had flared through the clouds just before setting, casting an orange and violet brilliance on the rolling farm hills below. Remarkably, I was in no particular hurry and decided to turn on some tunes, settle into my drive, and enjoy a rather uncommon January evening in central Ohio. A voice came out of the heavens and spoke these words to me. “The people have forgotten the most sacred rule of the road. Thou art chosen to remind them.” Which rule, I thought? A yellow light means move more quickly through the intersection? Show great disdain when approaching areas where U-turns aren’t allowed or where Michigan left hand turns are required? Beat Waze’s time estimates by the biggest margin possible and be filled with unbridled glee at making excellent time (for what, it matters not)? None of those seemed right – rules of consequence, certainly but not so important as to merit intercession by the gods.
Left lane driver bottleneck by Muhamad Guntur
And then, in the midst of contemplation, I was confronted with one of the most harrowing, yet all too familiar scenarios that can take place on the open freeway. I pulled out into the left lane and drove up behind what appeared to be a middle-aged man driving an older model, cream-colored Honda Civic. This man seemed to be quite comfortable in the left lane and proceeded to drive side by side with a dark-haired woman in a red Toyota Camry to the right of him. It was a grueling dance that went on for several miles, apparently charged with a magnetism that rendered the gentleman unable to extricate himself from the woman. Strangely, and perhaps through osmosis, I felt the irritation mounting amongst the drivers that had taken their places in the quickly forming line behind me.
Like most, I’ve been trapped in such a precarious situation many times before and it’s usually marked by a litany of obscene curses and hand gestures (hey, I’m evolving) but on this day, I remembered my sacred obligation and took a moment to reflect. Could this man be unaware of the traffic backup he has single-handedly caused? I thought. Is he at all concerned about his contribution to road rage and, by extension, general societal anxiety? Would he serve as an example to his own children, thereby spawning a new generation of incapable drivers? I pondered these and similar questions deeply until I noticed Ms. Hatchback was winning the race and had passed Mr. Minivan just enough to create a small opening. I hastily moved into the right lane, gunned it and whisked by the man, but not before giving him a stern glare to which he was oblivious. After I had also passed the woman, I moved back into the right lane and settled in for the rest of my drive, weary. As I continued, I ran into several other left lane offenders of the same general persuasion, all causing widespread grief and disgruntlement. I knew then the most important rule of the road is, without question, to use the left lane for passing. I would have to detail my thoughts in an effort to correct this growing epidemic and make my offering to the gods.
I began by conducting a few informal focus groups (i.e. conversations at the bar) to learn more about what I have dubbed Aimless Left Lane Driving Syndrome (hereinafter referred to as ALLDS). I talked with some of the worst perpetrators (a few of which, it pains me to mention, are dear friends and beloved family members) and also with some staunch advocates of limited left lane usage. The findings were compelling. Based on my extensive research, I have described ALLDS below and profiled the typical sufferer. I have detailed the most common symptoms, along with specific actions left lane respecters can take to stop this problem from spreading.
ALLDS is a sickness, whereby a driver feels inexplicably compelled to drive in the left lane without aim, objective, or notable goal. I am not referring to drivers that have experienced occasional aimlessness (although any indicators should be addressed immediately). Certainly, I can empathize with someone who unwittingly finds herself passed by a driver in the right lane and, realizing her error, immediately moves over. I, too, have been confronted with this kind of anguishing and traumatic experience and it was accompanied by an overwhelming desire to find my victim and apologize profusely. Here, I focus on those who suffer chronically with ALLDS, as this is the group that is collectively tearing down society and on which our most potent efforts must be concentrated. Make no mistake - ALLDS is a threat of the highest magnitude.
The Aimless Left Lane Driver is unaware of or chooses to ignore the legally substantiated premise that the left lane is reserved for the important task of passing, and once said passage is complete, the driver is required to get over to the right lane. He does not see this simple rule is critical to efficient traffic regulation and adherence thereto would significantly reduce all manner of interstate afflictions. He travels without destination and is the type to take extravagant road trips just to admire the scenery. Don’t be fooled. His aimlessness is not limited to the highway. You may just as easily come into contact with him in a crowded corridor or on the sidewalk, undoubtedly walking on the wrong side. Unfortunately, he and his comrades have not suffered any tangible consequences for their actions and, as a result, their behavior has become habitual. I realize some among us may think I’m being harsh. I, too, am sympathetic. I realize generational recklessness or wayward instructors may be to blame for this lack of discipline and consideration. However, we must address it, lest it devolve into something more serious, like leaving turn signals on and blinking indefinitely. Gasp.
Keep right sign by Timo Wielink
Symptoms
If you suffer with any of the following symptoms, you may have or be at risk for developing ALLDS:
Symptom #1: You own or feel compelled to purchase a station wagon, minivan or – dare I say it – a recreational vehicle. No further explanation is required here.
Symptom #2: You have said, “I don’t drive slowly and need to be in the ‘fast lane’ or some derivation thereof. To that I say, the left lane is not the fast lane and any references to it as such are mistaken. It is the passing lane and speed is irrelevant. If you are traveling at 100 mph and the person behind you wants to drive at 101 mph, guess what? You’re in the way. To this, you will undoubtedly argue, “well Speedy has no business driving at 101 mph.” My response: You’re absolutely right. But the last time I checked, there was this guy called a police officer who is tasked with punishing just such an offense. Isn’t that a relief? Kindly, keep right.
Symptom #3: You use the “they can just go around me” excuse. Should we simply accept this type of half-witted, lazy thinking and suffer in silence? Certainly not! Following this idea to its logical conclusion results in disaster. What if every driver on the road thought the same way during peak rush hour? What would happen then? Traffic bottlenecks and accidents would abound! That’s what!
Symptom #4: You are one of a select few that actually considers himself better than the average delinquent because when cars come up behind you in the left lane, you politely get over. Oh, what fresh hell is this? News flash - this behavior isn’t polite. It’s maddening and frankly more offensive because you are, on some level, aware of your wrongdoing. Otherwise, you wouldn’t feel compelled to get out of the way. In the meantime, the driver who is stuck behind you and legitimately passing has to turn his cruise control off, slow down or worse, use his brakesand wait for you to get over into the lane you should have been using in the first place. As if that wasn’t enough (and this weakens me most of all), you add insult to injury by getting back into the left lane, as soon as the frustrated driver has passed you, or you actually attempt to speed up preventing the now wearied driver from passing you altogether! What is that about?
If this is you, don’t read another word. Enroll in remedial driving classes today!
Actions Good Drivers Can Take
Good drivers, do not be dismayed. If you know someone who is suffering with ALLDS, you cannot stand idly by and allow the culprit to proceed in his destructive ways. In the name of all things that are good and decent and pure, you must do something to stop this lunacy! Here are a few suggestions:
Get Creative. I once saw a man whose vanity plates read “Get Over.” With admiration and a tear in my eye, I reflected on his courage. Let us be inspired by that man, nay, that hero.
Point Out Errors. Boldly correct whenever possible. If you find yourself behind a guilty party, try to make eye contact through his rear view mirror to signal that he is in your way. If that doesn’t work, pass him on the right and scowl to show your disapproval. Stand firmly in the face of rolling eyes! Be tolerant no more! Let their ignorance and opposition be rebuffed!
Impart Wisdom to the Fallen.
The easiest way to teach is to model proper behavior. Always, use the right and left lanes as they were so intended. Do not be lulled into bad driving habits simply because everyone else is doing it. You know better.
Also, reinforce the concept of left lane passing, whenever possible. For example, recall the last time you used the moving walkway in an airport. What were the instructional words stamped conspicuously at your feet? Might the labeling read “Pass/Stand” instead of “Walk/Stand” as it reads today? Could this simple change assist the hasty and frazzled traveler in making his short flight connection rather than being thwarted by a “casual walker”? Discuss this with your fellow travelers, noting those you should avoid in the parking lot later.
Finally, and if you are so inclined, become a Drivers’ Education Instructor. Nip this crap in the bud before it even gets started!
Be a Snitch. Given that our society does not adequately dissuade people from abusing the left lane, in some rare cases, you must be a whistle blower. No matter how difficult this may be, it is a noble endeavor indeed and for the good of society. Tickets are not doled out for left lane abusers in the same way that they are freely written for speeders (can you sense my bitterness?). Therefore, it is up to us to exact retribution! Start a task force to identify miscreants. Once identified, petition that they be rehabilitated, lobby the legislature for harsher penalties, or write your congressman with their license plate numbers. Let your tattling voices be heard!
In short, I hope my accounts have brought awareness to the terrible tribulation that is Aimless Left Lane Driving Syndrome. I cannot understate its effects. I dare to imagine a world where left lanes everywhere are free and clear to be used without hindrance. Let us use our voices! Let us move beyond excuses and our own quiet frustration to stand and speak out. And when our work is done, let us welcome the aimless and uninformed back into the fold with open arms. Perhaps then, the open road gods will be appeased, and perhaps they will smile upon us with painless commutes, highway patrol cars visible and in plain sight, and green light upon green light to support us as we traverse the busiest streets. May the gods have mercy on us. Amen and amen.
Love in all things (even in jest),
April Eileen
5 Easy Ways to Receive More Love
“Consider soulmates to also be in the form of friends and animals, the wind, the tides, the plants, pieces of art, and the moon. Great love lives everywhere.”
— Victoria Erickson
If you’re anything like me, you may have trouble receiving Love and care. Here is a lovely list that may help!
“Consider soulmates to also be in the form of friends and animals, the wind, the tides, the plants, pieces of art, and the moon. Great love lives everywhere.”
If you’re anything like me, you may not have as much trouble giving, as you do receiving Love and care. Here is a lovely list that may help! But before you even get started, I invite you to slow down, soften, and be a little more present. It’s difficult to notice or receive anything when you’re tense or busy rushing from one thing to the next!
Just for you card by Sybil Schleicher
Listen to the birds singing and imagine their song is just for you.
Take a deep breath and literally take in your surroundings.
Feel your skin tingling under the warm water of your shower or bath.
Receive compliments, smiles, hellos, and kind words without resistance or self-deprecation.
Appreciate and fully experience your meals. Engage your senses. Imagine your body fed.
For the full list and a free printable, along with events, surprises and delights, and more, become a member!
Love in all things,
April Eileen
Quotes from the Classics: December
Happy Holidays to you and welcome, Winter! ‘Tis the season of cozy so raise a cup of hot cocoa to sweaters, crackling fires, warm blankets, and snuggles with the ones you Love most. Whatever your traditions and celebrations, I hope your season is full of Love and Light and all that is truly important. Check out the quotes below for inspiration as you navigate seasonal endings and the inevitable beginnings they bring.
Happy Holidays to you and welcome, Winter! ‘Tis the season of cozy so raise a cup of hot cocoa to sweaters, crackling fires, warm blankets, and snuggles with the ones you Love most. Whatever your traditions and celebrations, I hope your season is full of Love and Light and all that is truly important. Check out the quotes below for inspiration as you navigate seasonal endings and the inevitable beginnings they bring.
Winter mug, marshmallows, and twinkle lights by Ylanite Koppens
“Reflect upon your present blessings—of which every man has many—not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
“The rooms were very still while the pages were softly turned and the winter sunshine crept in to touch the bright heads and serious faces with a Christmas greeting.”
“I could leave the world with today in my eyes. ”
“Maybe Christmas,’ he thought, ‘doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more.”
“ Kindness is like snow; it beautifies everything it covers.”
“To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake it is necessary to stand out in the cold.”
“You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
“Wisdom comes with winters.”
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.”
Love in all things,
April Eileen