Portrait of an Aimless Left Lane Driver

“When you’re in your lane, there’s no traffic.”

— Ava DuVernay

Few are aware of this fact but there are travel gods that rule the open road. They are of the Old Testament variety, the smiting kind, the ones that dispense judgment and wrath amply and often. We travelers were once relatively well behaved and the gods intervened little. It is different now. The gods are displeased. How do I know? Well, sometimes, a driver has an opportunity to commune with them in the course of a journey. I had one such experience.

I was driving back to Columbus from Cleveland, after having enjoyed a relaxing weekend.  The sky was a vibrant cobalt and the sun had flared through the clouds just before setting, casting an orange and violet brilliance on the rolling farm hills below. Remarkably, I was in no particular hurry and decided to turn on some tunes, settle into my drive, and enjoy a rather uncommon January evening in central Ohio. A voice came out of the heavens and spoke these words to me. “The people have forgotten the most sacred rule of the road. Thou art chosen to remind them.” Which rule, I thought? A yellow light means move more quickly through the intersection? Show great disdain when approaching areas where U-turns aren’t allowed or where Michigan left hand turns are required? Beat Waze’s time estimates by the biggest margin possible and be filled with unbridled glee at making excellent time (for what, it matters not)? None of those seemed right – rules of consequence, certainly but not so important as to merit intercession by the gods. 

Left lane driver bottleneck by Muhamad Guntur

And then, in the midst of contemplation, I was confronted with one of the most harrowing, yet all too familiar scenarios that can take place on the open freeway. I pulled out into the left lane and drove up behind what appeared to be a middle-aged man driving an older model, cream-colored Honda Civic.  This man seemed to be quite comfortable in the left lane and proceeded to drive side by side with a dark-haired woman in a red Toyota Camry to the right of him.  It was a grueling dance that went on for several miles, apparently charged with a magnetism that rendered the gentleman unable to extricate himself from the woman. Strangely, and perhaps through osmosis, I felt the irritation mounting amongst the drivers that had taken their places in the quickly forming line behind me.  

Like most, I’ve been trapped in such a precarious situation many times before and it’s usually marked by a litany of obscene curses and hand gestures (hey, I’m evolving) but on this day, I remembered my sacred obligation and took a moment to reflect. Could this man be unaware of the traffic backup he has single-handedly caused? I thought. Is he at all concerned about his contribution to road rage and, by extension, general societal anxiety? Would he serve as an example to his own children, thereby spawning a new generation of incapable drivers? I pondered these and similar questions deeply until I noticed Ms. Hatchback was winning the race and had passed Mr. Minivan just enough to create a small opening. I hastily moved into the right lane, gunned it and whisked by the man, but not before giving him a stern glare to which he was oblivious. After I had also passed the woman, I moved back into the right lane and settled in for the rest of my drive, weary. As I continued, I ran into several other left lane offenders of the same general persuasion, all causing widespread grief and disgruntlement. I knew then the most important rule of the road is, without question, to use the left lane for passing. I would have to detail my thoughts in an effort to correct this growing epidemic and make my offering to the gods.  

I began by conducting a few informal focus groups (i.e. conversations at the bar) to learn more about what I have dubbed Aimless Left Lane Driving Syndrome (hereinafter referred to as ALLDS). I talked with some of the worst perpetrators (a few of which, it pains me to mention, are dear friends and beloved family members) and also with some staunch advocates of limited left lane usage.  The findings were compelling. Based on my extensive research, I have described ALLDS below and profiled the typical sufferer. I have detailed the most common symptoms, along with specific actions left lane respecters can take to stop this problem from spreading.

ALLDS is a sickness, whereby a driver feels inexplicably compelled to drive in the left lane without aim, objective, or notable goal. I am not referring to drivers that have experienced occasional aimlessness (although any indicators should be addressed immediately). Certainly, I can empathize with someone who unwittingly finds herself passed by a driver in the right lane and, realizing her error, immediately moves over. I, too, have been confronted with this kind of anguishing and traumatic experience and it was accompanied by an overwhelming desire to find my victim and apologize profusely. Here, I focus on those who suffer chronically with ALLDS, as this is the group that is collectively tearing down society and on which our most potent efforts must be concentrated. Make no mistake - ALLDS is a threat of the highest magnitude. 

The Aimless Left Lane Driver is unaware of or chooses to ignore the legally substantiated premise that the left lane is reserved for the important task of passing, and once said passage is complete, the driver is required to get over to the right lane. He does not see this simple rule is critical to efficient traffic regulation and adherence thereto would significantly reduce all manner of interstate afflictions. He travels without destination and is the type to take extravagant road trips just to admire the scenery. Don’t be fooled. His aimlessness is not limited to the highway. You may just as easily come into contact with him in a crowded corridor or on the sidewalk, undoubtedly walking on the wrong side. Unfortunately, he and his comrades have not suffered any tangible consequences for their actions and, as a result, their behavior has become habitual. I realize some among us may think I’m being harsh. I, too, am sympathetic. I realize generational recklessness or wayward instructors may be to blame for this lack of discipline and consideration. However, we must address it, lest it devolve into something more serious, like leaving turn signals on and blinking indefinitely. Gasp. 

Keep right sign by Timo Wielink

Symptoms

If you suffer with any of the following symptoms, you may have or be at risk for developing ALLDS:

1. Symptom #1: You own or feel compelled to purchase a station wagon, minivan or – dare I say it – a recreational vehicle. No further explanation is required here.

2. Symptom #2: You have said, “I don’t drive slowly and need to be in the ‘fast lane’ or some derivation thereof. To that I say, the left lane is not the fast lane and any references to it as such are mistaken. It is the passing lane and speed is irrelevant. If you are traveling at 100 mph and the person behind you wants to drive at 101 mph, guess what? You’re in the way. To this, you will undoubtedly argue, “well Speedy has no business driving at 101 mph.”  My response: You’re absolutely right. But the last time I checked, there was this guy called a police officer who is tasked with punishing just such an offense. Isn’t that a relief? Kindly, keep right. 

3. Symptom #3: You use the “they can just go around me” excuse. Should we simply accept this type of half-witted, lazy thinking and suffer in silence? Certainly not! Following this idea to its logical conclusion results in disaster. What if every driver on the road thought the same way during peak rush hour? What would happen then? Traffic bottlenecks and accidents would abound! That’s what!

4. Symptom #4: You are one of a select few that actually considers himself better than the average delinquent because when cars come up behind you in the left lane, you politely get over. Oh, what fresh hell is this? News flash - this behavior isn’t polite. It’s maddening and frankly more offensive because you are, on some level, aware of your wrongdoing. Otherwise, you wouldn’t feel compelled to get out of the way. In the meantime, the driver who is stuck behind you and legitimately passing has to turn his cruise control off, slow down or worse, use his brakesand wait for you to get over into the lane you should have been using in the first place. As if that wasn’t enough (and this weakens me most of all), you add insult to injury by getting back into the left lane, as soon as the frustrated driver has passed you, or you actually attempt to speed up preventing the now wearied driver from passing you altogether! What is that about?

If this is you, don’t read another word. Enroll in remedial driving classes today!  

Actions Good Drivers Can Take

Good drivers, do not be dismayed.  If you know someone who is suffering with ALLDS, you cannot stand idly by and allow the culprit to proceed in his destructive ways.  In the name of all things that are good and decent and pure, you must do something to stop this lunacy!  Here are a few suggestions:    

1. Get Creative. I once saw a man whose vanity plates read “Get Over.”  With admiration and a tear in my eye, I reflected on his courage. Let us be inspired by that man, nay, that hero.

2. Point Out Errors. Boldly correct whenever possible.  If you find yourself behind a guilty party, try to make eye contact through his rear view mirror to signal that he is in your way.  If that doesn’t work, pass him on the right and scowl to show your disapproval.  Stand firmly in the face of rolling eyes!  Be tolerant no more!  Let their ignorance and opposition be rebuffed!

3. Impart Wisdom to the Fallen.  

   • The easiest way to teach is to model proper behavior.  Always, use the right and left lanes as they were so intended.  Do not be lulled into bad driving habits simply because everyone else is doing it.  You know better.  

   • Also, reinforce the concept of left lane passing, whenever possible.  For example, recall the last time you used the moving walkway in an airport.  What were the instructional words stamped conspicuously at your feet?  Might the labeling read “Pass/Stand” instead of “Walk/Stand” as it reads today?  Could this simple change assist the hasty and frazzled traveler in making his short flight connection rather than being thwarted by a “casual walker”?  Discuss this with your fellow travelers, noting those you should avoid in the parking lot later.

   • Finally, and if you are so inclined, become a Drivers’ Education Instructor.  Nip this crap in the bud before it even gets started!

4. Be a Snitch. Given that our society does not adequately dissuade people from abusing the left lane, in some rare cases, you must be a whistle blower. No matter how difficult this may be, it is a noble endeavor indeed and for the good of society. Tickets are not doled out for left lane abusers in the same way that they are freely written for speeders (can you sense my bitterness?).  Therefore, it is up to us to exact retribution! Start a task force to identify miscreants. Once identified, petition that they be rehabilitated, lobby the legislature for harsher penalties, or write your congressman with their license plate numbers. Let your tattling voices be heard!

In short, I hope my accounts have brought awareness to the terrible tribulation that is Aimless Left Lane Driving Syndrome. I cannot understate its effects. I dare to imagine a world where left lanes everywhere are free and clear to be used without hindrance. Let us use our voices! Let us move beyond excuses and our own quiet frustration to stand and speak out. And when our work is done, let us welcome the aimless and uninformed back into the fold with open arms. Perhaps then, the open road gods will be appeased, and perhaps they will smile upon us with painless commutes, highway patrol cars visible and in plain sight, and green light upon green light to support us as we traverse the busiest streets. May the gods have mercy on us. Amen and amen.

Love in all things (even in jest),

April Eileen

She Dines: Midtown, Corktown, and in My Lady’s Chamber

“Ladiez is pimps too…gon’ brush your shoulders off.”

— Jay Z

Not my usual classic quote intro but necessary, as it was the first thing I saw when I entered the foyer of Lady of the House. I’m going to like this place, I thought for the second time. I first had the impression as my husband pulled into the parking lot and I realized we were across the street from Corktown’s FOLK Detroit (one of my favorite brunch spots) but now the feeling was palpable. Another two steps and I ran into the proprietor of Antietam as he was walking out. “Try the roasted carrots, he urged.” Yep, definitely going to like this place. 

A few minutes later, my husband and I were sitting at the bar only to learn the kitchen was closed. Damn! Naturally, I made a mental note to come back the next day before ordering a glass of wine. All was not lost, however, as we were in the company of a perfectly awesome bartender. I determined not to rate the whole experience based on his friendliness, though, as I had learned my lesson from that kind of naivety in the past (see Apparatus Room post). Between jokes at the bar, I managed to take note of the ambiance at Lady of the House. Pineapples, which I learned are the international symbol of hospitality and welcome, are displayed prominently in various areas. The main dining room is intimate and includes a lovely fireplace. I should also mention that there is a picture of Ryan Gosling on an ottoman in the ladies’ bathroom, and not the romantic Ryan from The Notebook you might want to marry but the sexy Ryan from Crazy Stupid Love you might want to…well, nevermind. I’ve not met you Chef Kate but thank you, kindly.

Roasted carrots, napkin, and photo of Ryan Gosling by April Eileen

I did visit the next day. I was not jazzy, there was no babysitter, and it was not Saturday night. Instead, my mother and I were without a reservation and toting a three year old into a crowded eatery – every restaurant proprietor’s ideal situation, I’m sure. Christian, the general manager who I had been emailing about my book club, was super accommodating nonetheless. If you’re reading this, Christian, know that it takes a village to raise a future gastronome and the foodie force is strong with the little one. She prefers a well-seasoned lamb chop with herbed goat cheese and lightly sautéed kale to chicken nuggets any day. Certainly, she eats dirt and paper too from time to time but hey, it looks promising. Thanks so much for everything!

Anyway, mom, kid and I sat down and ordered a few small plates. While we waited for our food, we struck up a conversation with an “expat” couple sans their tiny tots, just in from their native Chicago. They were jazzy, they did have a babysitter, and based on every available indicator, it was still Saturday night to them. Always a good omen when former cool kids (i.e. cosmo kids before kids) from another awesome city decide to visit an establishment. Just as they were telling us what a must-try the salmon was, our roasted carrots, cucumber carpaccio, and potato donuts arrived. Verdict? Yums all around. The carrots were perfectly cooked and the hollandaise sauce was a lovely compliment, the cucumber with walnut romesco was fresh and flavorful, and what can I say about the potato donuts? Creatively conceived and beautifully executed, the donuts were perfection, and there was some kind of custard upon which they sat that could have been a dish unto itself. Delicious and a confirmation of the fact that I never had a potato I didn’t like (except in potato salad - it should be a capital crime to chill a potato and douse it with mayonnaise).

Potato donuts and fireplace by April Eileen

All in all, we had a wonderful experience. There are good things in store for Lady of the House. I’ll certainly be back and I hear that brunch is afoot too in a few months! Nothing I like better than a good excuse for day drinking. The only thing I might recommend is that they do a bit more with the curated cocktails but I suspect that’s in the works and as long as there is wine and a full bar, I’m happy. Loving this one, guys! Check it out and, as always, let me know what you think!

Love in all things,

April Eileen

She Dines: The Devil Dons Michelin Stars

“Poverty was repugnant to her; degradation took away two-thirds of her greatness. Milady was only a queen while among queens. The pleasure of satisfied pride was necessary to her domination. To command inferior beings was rather a humiliation than a pleasure for her.”

— Alexandre Dumas, The Three Musketeers

Rarely do I write a critical post. It’s not that I’m so optimistic, but rather that I was gifted with the ability to exercise a certain degree of diplomacy in most circumstances…except this one.

I’ve been to Apparatus Room – located inside the Detroit Foundation Hotel, the product of renovations to the Detroit Fire Department headquarters – several times now and feel I can make a fair assessment. Everything is always perfect – people say what they’re supposed to say, the food is exactly what you would expect from a Michelin 2-star chef, the ambiance is completely representative of a downtown city restaurant. But it’s the kind of perfection that suggests something sinister is going on behind the scenes…like Pleasant Ridge perfection or Stepford Wives perfection. It’s like reading Runway Magazine – the fictional publication that served as the contextual backdrop for the movie, The Devil Wears Prada – and then meeting its cut-throat, demanding editor-in-chief, Miranda Priestly. All examples of perfection followed by unadulterated evil (okay, perhaps I was a little hard on Pleasant Ridge).

Detroit Foundation Hotel entrance and dessert by April Eileen

What I found was precision (good) coupled with an air of superiority (not so good) and a seeming willingness to sacrifice whatever is necessary to achieve that air (even worse). And just as I’d rather not have avocado toasts, delicious as they might be, with the infamous Ms. Priestly, I’m also not really trying to have them at Apparatus Room either. I realize I may never dine respectably in the city of Detroit again by suggesting Apparatus Room is the Miranda Priestly – the unmitigated bitch – of Detroit restaurants but hey, it’s my truth. Despite excellent food, the unmistakable conceit in the admittedly beautiful atmosphere leaves a bad taste nonetheless.

I can usually tell how accommodating a restaurant will be when I try to make a reservation for a large party on an off night. Sometimes it’s simple and the restaurant has space or makes it happen in some other way. Sometimes it is difficult and they are persnickety about how the bill should be paid or mention the entire party must be there before anyone is seated or there is some inordinate fee associated with the room. I’m quite used to any of these rules and have even been in situations where they are compounded (anyone been to Wright & Company lately?) so no worries right? In this case, I never even got a call back.

Now let me back up. I had been to Apparatus Room once before the situation with the unanswered calls. I actually had a good experience, which is why I considered the restaurant for my meeting. In hindsight, it was entirely due to the service of a truly friendly bartender who, by the way, is now at The Whiskey Parlor (go figure). Anyway, I knew they had a private seating area because a member of the staff – longer hair, dark features, grey suit, aloofness seeping from his pores – showed it to me and we discussed it. Sadly, I didn’t write the gentlemen’s name down…total fail on my part because when I finally did get someone on the phone to continue the discussion, describing the gentlemen to which I had spoken – longer hair, dark features, grey suit, pore-seeping aloofness – of course none of it mattered. Not only did persnickety-ness abound, putting Apparatus Room squarely in the “exceedingly difficult” camp but apparently, no one with the description I provided worked there.

I pulled every trick in the book and even dropped a name (it’s literally the only one I have) to avoid some of the rigid rules and was able to make a reservation for the main restaurant area. When I walked in, I was greeted or rather assessed by the haughty hostess, and while I have no general issue with nonchalance, in this case, it was less about trying to create an atmosphere of exclusiveness, which is common among luxury brands, and more about ensuring I realized what a privilege it was for me to be in their establishment.

Pastries and Detroit Foundation Hotel entrance by April Eileen

Fortunately for me, I was in very good company for dinner so the rest of the dining experience was fine and, as I mentioned, the food is really spectacular. It is a real shame it’s overshadowed by a general disdain for all human life. After paying my bill, I took a few steps toward the door and – Gah! I spotted the man I was convinced was an apparition. There he was – longer hair, dark features, glaring aloofness and I swear to God, the very same grey suit! He was there in the flesh and my blood was boiling with rage.

Okay, I’m done. Check out Apparatus Room if you want to feel generally unwanted and inadequate in life (just tell people you went because it’s the only place that serves Sancerre by the glass…we won’t judge). But if you want great food, great atmosphere, great customer service AND that nice warm fuzzy feeling of belonging that makes for a favorite restaurant (wow…what a concept), take another route. Do yourself a favor and check out another of the many fantastic restaurants in Detroit (Selden Standard, Takoi, and Savannah Blue are just a few of my favorite).

What’s your take on ostentatious eateries? Tolerable or maddening?

UPDATE: I decided to give Apparatus Room another shot when I held my monthly mastermind there a few weeks ago. I know, I know! I was hesitant, believe me, but most of my fellow content creators had never been and I felt they at least deserved a chance to form their own opinions. I was the first to arrive and the restaurant was nearly empty so I asked the host if the head chef, Thomas Lents, was around. He was. I was simply going to introduce myself and share that I had met his lovely wife and son during a parent/child class we all had together during the fall. Unworthy as I am, I did expect to have an opportunity to compliment him on his truly delightful family (and the spectacular blueberry lemon pancakes). Nothing major, just the exchange of a few pleasantries. Well, brunch - scrumptious as it was - came and went and I found myself indignantly sipping grapefruit mimosas because I wasn’t given the chance to praise the him. Well, Apparatus Room had done it again and I was put squarely in my place - a mere paying customer. On a MUCH brighter note, we had a delightful server who, like the bartender mentioned above, might make you forget you are in the 7th level of hell but only briefly. There are still red flags - references to the head chef always being “pissed;” the mysterious plate of free pancakes that showed up at our table after my friends and I had openly talked bad about the restaurant in the ladies room; french fries - far too plebeian I suppose - only being served on the less bourgeois side of the restaurant. I suspect nothing has really changed and Apparatus Room is still a sumptuous tragedy but who am I? Just a poor foot soldier, too lowly even to be noticed. Oh wait, that was Mr. Wickham from Pride and Prejudice but you get the idea.

Love in all things,

April Eileen